does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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