I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So vagazzling was a success
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
