You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
