she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
