and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
