I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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