hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
