i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
