Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Randomize
