Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
