I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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