new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
YAS. BRING CRAB.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
