just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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