Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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