There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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