just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm really busy with my period
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