I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
