apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
