If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
