what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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