The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
