i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
