Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
