my phone needs a breathalizer
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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