I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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