I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
