Pants 0. Shit 1.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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