I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
