I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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