I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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