No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
