My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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