All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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