Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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