you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize