If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
