Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
as a side note pls kill me
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