I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
