Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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