Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
