I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
