Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
