On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
