I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
