Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
