drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
