I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
