dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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