i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
