I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
