everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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