I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
