I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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