Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
