I accidentally had phone sex last night
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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