I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
