last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My life is pants optional.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
