In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
