Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
