I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
