he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
