Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
