she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
